


Numb - Larry Stylinson

by sugar3



Category: Larry Stylinson - Fandom, One Direction, louisandharry - Fandom
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Depressed Harry, Depressed Louis, Depression, Eating Disorders, Harry Has An Eating Disorder, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-02
Updated: 2015-07-19
Packaged: 2018-02-27 22:43:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2709371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugar3/pseuds/sugar3
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Harry is in love with Louis and he is depressed. Louis is "dating" Eleanor and Harry thinks it's real. Louis bullies Harry. Harry results to suicide. But Louis has a secret of his own. Read to find out what it is!</p><p>TRIGGER WARING! This story may contain the following: Suicide, Self harm, Suicidal thoughts, Foul and abusive language, Eating Disorder </p><p>I'm so bad at descriptions I'm sorry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. chapter 1

Hello, I am Harry Edward Styles, and this is my story.

Relief. That's what I feel when I drag the blade across my pale arm.  
I glide it across my wrist with pressure. Maybe a little bit to much pressure. It doesn't stop bleeding. I wish I could just bleed out on the floor, but no. We have a concert today. I begin to panic, because the blood wont stop, so I grab a full arm bandage. Hopefully that will make the bleeding stop.

I start to think: Eleanor will be waiting backstage for Louis, Sophia for Liam, Perrie for Zayn and some girl Niall met when he was younger and they've been best friends ever since then. And guess who's waiting for me? No one. Because I'm a loner, a worthless faggot that doesn't deserve to live. At least that's what the fans and Louis say.

I believe it though. I am a faggot, I'm in love with Louis for gods sake! That isn't normal! and because I'm a fag, I'm a worthless loner. Not to mention I'm a fat pig. Louis has said so himself. Yes, I know what you are thinking: Why do you love someone who bullies you and calls you names? Well the answer is I don't know. 

//concert//

"Hey mate, we're on in 20! You okay?" Liam says, after 10 minutes of watching Louis and Eleanor flirt and make out. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just didn't get much sleep last night" I mumble. "Okay...Lou said she needs you by the way! Something about wanting to braid your hair...? I don't know. You also need to change clothes because you can't go on stage in sweats!" Liam babbles on, while I just nod, signaling that i know what he said.

I walk towards the dressing area and put on a greenish gray colored sweatshirt that says 'Obsession' on the front, and black skinny jeans. As I walk to Lou, She says " Alrighty Harry, I wanted to braid your hair if that's okay? Just on on each side and then a bun in the middle for the hair that wont go into the braid" I just nod. You see, I don't talk much anymore. Louis said that no one wants to hear my voice because I sound like a dying cat. He says that's the reason I don't have as many solo's in the album.

"Okay Harry! You're done! You look great by the way. Now go, I think your on in 5!" Lou says, somewhat excited. I smile to say thanks. "ALRIGHT BOYS IT'S TIME TO GO ON! LOUIS STOP MAKING OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND!" Paul yells. I mentally thank him. Paul is kind of like our dad when on tour, and we all love him to death, he's pretty cool. But he only cares for the other lads, not me.

The entry video is starting to play so me and the lads all run to get into place where we will walk onto the stage. Right before we're about to go on stage, Louis whispers into my ear saying "Okay faggot? You look like you've been crying" I just pretend I don't hear him, which wasn't a good idea because he grabs the arm that I just cut really deep on and says "Don't ignore me you fat, ugly, worthless piece of shit!" To my fortune, we have to go on stage, which probably just saved my life.

The starting music of Midnight Memories starts to play and we walk out and the fans start to scream. The music then stops for a second and then resumes and I sing "Straight off the plain to a new hotel" pause. "Just touched down you could never tell. Big house party with a crowded kitchen. People talk shh, but we don't listen" Not many fans scream during my part. Why would they? I am a rubbish singer, But when Louis' solo comes on, the whole stadium erupts in loud screams that could burst your ear drums if not for the ear plugs we have.

"Tell me that I'm wrong but I do what I please. Way to many people in the Addison Lee. Now I'm at the age when I know what I need oh whoa" Louis sings. He sounds perfect, voice flawless, and flows perfectly with the music while mine sounds scratchy and terrible.

//Time skip to right before concert ends//

"It was amazing playing for you Dallas, Texas!" Niall states as we are about to walk off stage. "HARRY YOU FAT UGLY FAGGOT! WHY DON'T YOU KILL YOURSELF? NO ONE WANTS YOU IN THE BAND IT WOULD BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT YOU!" A 'fan' yells right as I walk past her. I stop dead in my tracks and look at her. Some of the girls next to her nod their heads and agree, others ignore her. Even though she probably wont hear me because I don't have a microphone anymore, I say "Soon"

"We've been One Direction! Bye guys We love you all!" Liam says. And with that we walk off stage. All the other lads walk off to their girlfriends and friends, while I walk out the door to the bus, trying to not cry. It doesn't work. That girl was right. I should kill myself. But not yet. The tour ends in October and its August, so i'll wait that long. For now, I'll just slowly kill myself by slicing my skin open.

I walk too my bunk and close the curtain so no one can see what I'm about to do. I grab the bag of blades I keep under my pillow and open it, grabbing the sharpest one I could find. I line it up with my wrist at an angle, and then I slide it across my wrist.I continue this 12 more times except most of them aren't as deep as the first one.

Maybe I should tell you how all of this started?

//Flashback//

 

"Guys, I have too tell you something" I say. Its finally time. I'm going to do it. "Go on Haz! Whatever it is, we support you, and it can't be that bad" Louis says with a smile. "Well...I'm gay..." I mumble. Louis loses his beautiful smile instantly. I look down, feeling very ashamed of myself. I mean who likes guys right? "Finally! you owe me $10, Niall!" Zayn calls out. "Damn it!" Niall practically yells. "Well, thats great! I'm happy that you told us! We support you of course! Right Louis?" Liam says and everyone looks at Louis. He just smiles a little nervously and nods. "Well lads, I'm tired and i want to sleep so i'm leaving. And Harry, I drove you here so you're with me" Louis says. "Okay...Lets go"

Louis walks to the car and I follow along. We start to drive away and Louis says "You're really a faggot, Styles?" What the hell?! "Um...Excuse me? What did you say?" "I Asked if you really were a faggot, because if you are I'm going to beat the shit out of you when we get home because you're a worthless fag! Don't you get it?! Being gay is NOT good! We'll lose a ton of fans because of you!" "Yes I am gay...There isn't anything wrong with that" "Get out. We're here." I get out of the car and unlock the door too Louis and I's flat. He walks in right after me and shuts the door. He puts all of his stuff down and then slams me against the wall. "YOU FAT, UGLY, WORTHLESS, FAG! YOU SHOULD JUST KILL YOURSELF BECAUSE BEING GAY IS BAD!" and with that, he beats the living shit out of me, as promised.

//End of flashback//

 

So yeah. that's how my life became a living hell. 

The boys walk in and I hurriedly put away the blade and grab a towel to wipe up the blood. "Harry, you in here?" Liam calls out, "Yeah, and trying to sleep" I yell back. "We come bearing pizza if you want any! If not, more for me" Niall says. Typical Niall. I walk into the kitchen part of the bus where all the boys are. Its a small space, barely big enough for all 5 of us. "Do you guys know how many calories is in one piece of pizza? Its gross" I say. "But who cares. It tastes like heaven. And how do you know how many calories is in pizza anyways?" Niall replies. "I just do" "Okay. Well do you want any?" Niall answers. "No. I'm not very hungry"

Louis looks at me weirdly and frowns. He says "But Harry you haven't eaten anything today" Shit. "How do you know? Do you watch my every move Louis? Do you care? No, so fuck off" I say, very suprised at my mood swing. Louis glares. None of the boys no how Louis treats me. Louis said he'd kill me if i said anything. "Woah, Harry. Why don't you go to sleep? You're obviously tired" Zayn says. "Fine" I say. while I walk away, I whisper to myself "Hopefully i don't wake up" I hope to god no one heard me.

//Louis' P.O.V//

"Fine" Harry says and then he walks away. Me being closest to him, i hear him whisper "Hopefully I don't wake up" What's that about? Is he serious? What if he...No. I don't care what he does. He's a worthless fag. Fucking shit. I can't deny that i have feelings for him, because I do. Except i don't just have feelings for him, I'm in love with him. Yeah, I know what you'd say: Why the fuck do you bully him if you love him?! the answer is I don't know.

Harry thinks I'm homophobic, because I bully him. But I only do that because I know he doesn't love me, and if he does, he shouldn't. I'm not worth his time. You see, I have a girlfriend, who is really a beard, which is someone who is a cover up for ones sexuality. I came out to our management team, Modest! Management, And they said they had to get me a girlfriend so that no one would find out. I told them not to tell the lads. 

"Goodnight lads, I'm tired also" I say, with a fake yawn. "Night" The three other boys reply. I walk to where our bunks are, and look behind Harry's curtain. He's sleeping soundly in his bed, so I kiss his forehead and whisper "I love you Harry" and walk away to my bunk. I lay down, and after half an hour, I fall asleep.

//Harry's P.O.V// (A/N: There will not be allot of P.O.V switches, but if their are, it's going to be between Harry and Louis. I just wanted to fit this part in because idk i liked it)I hear someone

come into the bunker room, and then they kiss my forehead and say "I love you Harry" It's Louis. HOLY SHIT IT'S LOUIS! Its takes everything in my not to turn over and say I love you back. About thirty minutes later I can hear Louis' soft snores coming from the bunker above me. I think about how Louis probably knew I was awake and he wanted me to think he cared, just so he can mess with me tomorrow. I reach under my pillow, grab a blade, and repeat the process I earlier did. 

I sob quietly while I drag the blade across my skin. "Harry? Are you okay?" I hear Louis say, and then i hear rustling around, meaning hes getting out of bed. I quickly put the blade back into the bag and fling it under my pillow, pull my sleeve down and dry my tears. But I was to late. Louis already saw my arm. "Harry what the fuck was that?!"

"Nothing. I scratched my arm that's all" I reply, a little quickly. "Then let me see!" Louis says. "No. You wouldn't care anyways" I mumble out, eyes watering with tears. "Fine, fat ass. I could care less if you cut yourself, no one would care!" Louis says.

I sob loudly and look at Louis with sad, broken eyes. I watch him and I think I saw guilt. It was probably just my eyes playing tricks on me, because no one cares about me. I'm to fat and ugly, and worthless. Louis gets back into his bunk, and I thought I heard him sniffle.

But I don't care.

I only feel numb.

A/N: SO HOW WAS THAT FOR A FIRST CHAPTER? 2106 WORDS! IT TOOK ME LIKE 4 HOURS...I HAV NO LIFE OBVIOUSLY! PLEASE COMMENT, FOLLOW, RATE, ANYTHING! LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH!


	2. chapter 2

/Louis's P.O.V//

"Louis! Louisssss! Man, Come on we have an interview! Get up!" Zayn yells in my ear, waking me. "Okay, Okay, i'm up!" I sit up and yell back. "Mate, have you been crying? Your eyes are extremely red!" thanks, Zayn for stating the obvious. "No, I just have allergies or something. Been rubbing em all night" Lie. "Um...Okay...Want an allergy pill? I think there's one...Aha! found it!" Zayn hands me a pill he got from his bag and hands me a water bottle. "Thanks" "Any time. Now go get ready! we have to leave in thirty minute!" Zayn replies.

"shit! why didn't you wake me up sooner?!" I say, and jump out of my bed and run to the bathroom, but not before seeing Zayn smirk. I slow down and walk to the bathroom and just as I open the door I run into Harry. He looks pale and dead to be completely honest. His once bright green eyes are now a dull lifeless green, as if all the life has been sucked out of him. "sorry" Hes says emotionless, without even looking at me.

"Yeah you should be you fag!" I whisper into his ear, and regret it immediately. I don't say anything though, I just shove his shoulder and walk into the bathroom to take a quick shower.

//after shower//

I look into the mirror and see that my eyes really are red. I'm also kinda pale. Oh well. I brush my hair out and gel it into a quiff and run too the bunkers to get my clothes on. I choose a white t-shirt with ripped up grey skinny jeans. "Let's go boys! We're taking cars, not the bus this time!" Paul yells. we all get into the car and about 15 minutes later, we're at the interview. 

//During interview//

"So boys, How does this new album sound? Like whats the biggest difference compared to your last album?" the Interview lady asks. "There's not really a massive difference, and we try to keep it quite similar" I say and then I hear liam blowing into his microphone and its super annoying so I say "uh- That's going to be all over the mic" Liam just says something that i don't catch so i look away. "Anyways. There's not going to be that much difference. It's going to uh...It's gonna be very similar to the...first...Someone else just take it" I say after zoning out a bit thinking about Harry, and not understanding what i'm saying.

The whole rest Of the interview i don't talk. I'm pretty sure i look miserable, which is true, I am. I can't help but think What have i done? i've made Harry cut himself. I've made him not want to live! what the hell have i done?! We say or goodbye's to the interviewer, and make our way to the car. "Louis, mate you okay? You didn't talk the whole time" Liam asks. "Yeah, just really didn't like that interview. Sorry"

//Harry's P.O.V//

Louis looked downright miserable in the interview. I wanted to think that maybe it was because he saw my cuts last night and he felt bad, but it probably wasn't. I mean why would he care about me? He already said I could kill myself and he wouldn't car- "Harry what the hell is that?!" OH FUCKING SHIT! "What are you talking about Zayn?" He walks over to me and says softly "Harry, what is on your arms?" fuckkkk i'm screwed! "Nothing!" "Harry..." Zayn grabs my arm and lifts up my sleeves. I sqeeze my eyes shut, and Zayn, Niall Liam, and Louis' breath all hitch.

"Harry...Why d-did you do this-why did you cut yourself?!" Niall whispers loudly. silence for a few seconds and then i lose it. "Because I'm fucked up! I'm fucked up and pathetic, and disgusting, and everybody leaves,and nobody cares, and I fucking hate myself! Is that what you fucking want to hear?! For fucks sake!" My voice is shakier than i'd like, and full of pain.

I yank my sleeves down because their all staring. Niall chokes on a sob and Liam stares wide eyed with tears bubbling up, zayn has tears streaming down his face and Louis is crying the most but he hides his face. I pull my knee's to my chest and try not to let the tears fall. It doesn't work. I see that the van is stopped, so I jump up and run to the door, walk out and go into the bus, the boys calling my name while i do so. I run into the bathroom in the bus and lock the door. I fall to the ground and sob uncontrollably into my knee's.

//one hour later//

After sobbing for an hour straight, I peek out the bathroom door, to see if the lads are in the living room, and they are with tear stained faces, except Louis. He's not there. Assuming he left, which he probably did, I run to the bunkers. I run and get into my bed and check under my pillow for my blades. Their gone. shit! where the fuck did they go? I probably put them in my bag somewhere-"We took all of them Harry. Don't bother looking" Zayn says, with a frown and tears coming down his face again.

"You had no ri-"Yes we fucking did Harry! You fucking idiot! Your going to kill yourself if you keep this up!" Zayn yells at me. "Maybe that's what I want. ever think of that?! God Zayn this isn't about you! Or Niall or Liam or Louis! This is my problem and I can deal with it on my own. I'm to much of a pussy to go deep anyways, which means i'm to much of a pussy to kill myself. So fuck off!" I reply to Zayn. I remember I hid a blade in my jacket pocket, so I grab the jacket, walk into the living room where the exit to the bus is and say "i'm leaving. I'll be back tonight or tomorrow. or maybe never. I haven't decided" and then I walk out of the bus before they can say anything. I get a taxi and tell him to got to the nearest bar in town.

Around 10 minutes later i'm paying the man, and walking into the bar. I walk straight in and ask for a shot of the strongest alcohol they have, and the bar lady hands me it. I down it easily and ask for another.

//9 shots later//

"Honey, I think you've had enough for tonight. Why don't I call you a cab?" The bar lady says. I think her name is Chasidy. "One more Chasidy. One more" I slur. "Its Christa...And no. You've had enough. "I'll call a cab" "No! God damn it!" I say and walk out. Damn, people can be so annoying! she was such a bitch! I walk over to a hotel and get a room. How? No idea. I don't know how the man could understand what i was saying, because i am really drunk. Like super drunk. I walk up to my room on the top floor, and go inside. I lay all my shit down, which just happened to be my jacket. Remembering i had a blade in my jacket, I pull it out. I walk outside and onto the balcony.

I sit on the chair that is outside, and pull my sleeve up. I glide the blade across my skin fast, and with pressure. The blood come flowing out quickly. I focus on the pain. i think about only the pain. I do that 7 more times but then I think Why the hell am I still alive? No one wants me here. the boys just pity me. Louis sure as hell hates me. I'm a fuck up. the voices in my head say: Why don't you do it Harry? Do it now! jump off the balcony! slice the vein in your wrist! nobody wants you here anyways! I begin to believe the voice. It's right. no one would miss me. My mother has probably forgot about me, as its been 9 months since i've seen her. My dad doesn't really care. Gemma doesn't care. The boys sure as hell don't care. So why not? tears build up in my eyes and flow down my face like a waterfall.

I sit up out of my chair and look over the edge of the balcony. It's not that high up, but it's enough to die, I think as I start to climb over the edge. Just as i'm about to let go and jump a voice screams "Don't! Please don't jump!" I look over to my left and see a girl probably around 10 years old. "Please don't. I know it might be hard- what your going through. I understand. But please. If you jump, so many people will miss you. You may think no one will...But they will. I can promise you that" The little girl with blonde hair says. "Do you really want to die?" she asks. "No. No one commits suicide because they want to die. i reply. "Then why do they?" she says. "Because they want to take away the pain" I answer. "you don't have to do this on your own. i'll be here for you if you need me. I've felt the way you've felt before. I almost jumped too. But God saved me. Just as he has saved you. Your life is not over yet. You have a purpose to fulfill. i believe in you. you can do this"

"Thank you. But if you knew anything about me, you'd be telling me to jump also" i say. "That's a lie. I would never do that. I don't know what is going on in your life, and i don't care. I want you to forget about it. Your okay." She says quietly. "Your a very wise young girl. Whats your name?" The girl smiles and says "I'm Hailee! i'm 14! You don't need to tell me who you are because I already know who you are and i love your music and..." i zone out and smile softly at her. "Harry? Why don't you go inside? It's cold and you look like your about to pass out" I nod, and blow her a kiss, she blushes. "bye kiddo. see you tomorrow maybe. "Harry...?" "yeah?" she blushes again and says "Can i have your number...? So i can keep in touch with you and make sure you don't...you know?" i smile. "Sure."

I find a piece of paper inside and write my number on it and i hand it to her. " goodnight Hailee. and thank you." "goodnight Harry!"

//next day//

I wake up and i have a massive fucking headache. Of course i do. I had about a thousand gazillion shots. i grab my phone and check the time. 3:34pm. HOLY FUCK! We have to leave for another concert in an hour! I look at the 16 text messages i got. 6 from Liam, 2 from Niall, 1 from Zayn and 8 from Louis. Why more from Louis?

From: Liam- 1 :Hey lad! you okay? 2: Harry please answer. 3. We're getting worried Harry. 4. We leave at 4:30pm, so please be here. 5: we're getting dinner on the way there btw. 6: Harry i know your mad, but please.

From Niall: 1: Hey! i know your upset, but please come back. Louis left crying. He said it was all his fault you did this to yourself. 2: Harry, Louis hasn't come back yet and its 3am. talk to him please.

From Zayn: 1: Niall said that Louis didn't come back last night, but he did at like 5am drunk off his ass. Hope your okay.

From: Louis:1: Harry i'm sorry. 2: I wish i was dead. 3: I can't believe i did that to you. 4: I'm so drunk Harry. I love you. I'm sorry. 5: I hate you. 6: I'm sorry, i don't hate you. i'm just mad you aren't replying. 7: Are you okay? No one has heard from you and i'm really scared! did you kill yourself? Please say something :'(. 8: Get home faggot we're leaving with or without you in an hour. Hope your dead.

 

Of course. He says those things, only to get my hopes up. Maybe I shouldn't have listened to Hailee last night...maybe i should have jumped anyways.

//Harry gets to the bus//

i walk into the bus and someone instantly slams themselves into me, engulfing me in a hug. It's Niall. "Harry! What the fuck is wrong with you?! we were so worried! Don't do that ever again!" He says. Zayn and Liam agree. I dount it. Louis just sits on the couch and stares at a wall, not even acknowledging that i'm there. I fake a smile and walk to the bunkers. Louis gets up and follows me. shit.

"Wanna tell me what the hell you were doing?!" Louis says once we get back to the bunkers. "Well, first i went and got drunk off my ass, much like you did. Then I went and got a hotel for me and i almost jumped off the balcony and the-" "What the fuck did you just say?!" Louis says, tears building up in his eyes. "I said i almost jumped off a balcony. But i didn't, sadly. Maybe tomorrow though" I say with a glare and a bit sarcastic at the end. "Why do you care anyways?" i say.

"I don't" He says.

There it is again. That feeling.

The numbness

A/N: Words: 2280. second update tonight. I'll probably not update again until tomorrow or monday. i'm trying to get this story going. Anyways, Hope you like it! Like, Comment, Follow, it would make me very happy, and it helps me out allot! Thanks!


	3. chapter 3

A/N: Well... I'm pretty sure this is going to be a short chapter so...I'm tired so just bear with me on this one...

//Harry's POV//

 

As soon as Louis says those 2 words, I lose all emotions on my face. I walk to the living room area where the rest of the lads are, and sit down next to Liam. After a few minutes of no one really watching TV, Liam says "Harry...Can you tell us why? Why you did it?" There it is. That same damn question everyone keeps asking. I don't know why they keep asking. I won't tell them. "I already fucking told you Liam" i reply. "But we want to know why you think that. What happened, to make you think that?" Niall explains.

After a few moments of silence, mostly consisting of myself thinking, I say "I really shouldn't be telling you this because he'll kill me...Do you remember the day i came out 2 years ago? Thats when it started. Louis I guess didn't like the fact that i was gay, so he beat me as soon as we left Liams house. he called me a fat, ugly, ugly, worthless, faggot. And me being me, believed him. and that's when the cutting began"

"What?! Harry, why didn't you tell us?!" Zayn asks. "Because I didn't know how to, Zayn! He was my bestfriend for fucks sake! I thought he would've supported me!" I exclaim, tears building in my eyes. Damn it! I need to stop fucking crying! "He needs to come out here. We need to talk about this!" Liam says. "No! He doesn't do it anymore! Please don't tell him I told you!"

"Okay..." Zayn says, ending the conversation.

"So...I'm going to take a shower..." I lie. The boys all nod. I walk into the bunker room and grab the blade that is hiding in my jacket pocket. "What are you doing?" Louis says, with tear stains on his face. "Going to take a shower"

"I hope you fall and die"

"Me too"

I walk into the bathroom, shut the door and lock it, and then strip off all my clothes. I turn the water on, wait until it is hot, and then i step in. I sit there for awhile soaking in the water, just thinking about life.

Why am I still here? None of the boys actually care, they just pity me. Louis doesn't even pay me any attention, and he just tells me to kill myself, so why not? the fans don't like me, or want me in the band, so why not? Why wait till October? Why not now? 

So I do. I slice my wrists with the bladei that I brought with me, and then i carve something into my stomache. I jump out of the shower, turn it off, grab a bottle of pills out of the cabinet, and then i down them with a cup of water. 

Finally. Finally I'll be happy.

"Harry! Haz?! Harry are you okay? Unlock the door please!" I faintly hear banging on the door and someones voice. Its sounds sweet, and angelic, so I assume it's Louis'.

"Goodbye" I whisper one last time before I fall asleep.

//Louis' POV//

After Harry walked out, I felt so alone. Why did I do this to him? He doesn't deserve this! I can faintly hear the boys talking, and after about 10 minutes of them in there, Harry walks in. "What are you doing?" I ask him. He looks some what pale, and he seems lost in his thoughts. " Going to take a shower" He replies. Out of habit of being rude, i say "I hope you fall and die" And then my heart breaks by what he says next. "Me too"

My breath hitches and i don't say anything more, so he walks to the bathroom. I can't help but feel worried. I feel like hes going to do something...No. He wouldn't...Would he? I know Harry, and he is strong. But i might as well check and make sure...

"Harry!" i call out, no one replies. "Haz?" Still no reply. "Harry, are you okay?" Please answer! "Unlock the door please!" Did he do it?! Shit! SHIT SHIT SHIT! I hear a faint whisper saying "Goodbye"

OH FUCKING SHIT!

"BOYS GET IN HERE NOW!" The three other lads come running in, looking really worried. "Harry isn't answering and i'm afraid he..." i say and then my voice fails me. but the boys understand. Their faces go pale, eyes go wide. Then they slam themselves into the door and break it down.

What I see on the other side of the door make me sob uncontrollably.

It's Harry, with sliced wrists on either side, and a empty bottle of pils on the floor.

But what makes me fall to the floor sobbing in pain, is the words written on his stomach.

Louis.

A/N: Words: 810, I told you to bear with me, because i was tired. Next chapter will be much longer than this one! Sorry for the cliffhanger! Read, comment, star, Give me suggestions? I don't know! help me out :P Thank youuuu! :)


	4. chapter 4

//Louis POV time skip to the hospital//

I can't believe this is all my fault! I pushed him this far! He could be dead and it would be all my fault!

 

We arrived at the hospital 2 hours ago. None of the doctors have spoken to us on Harry's condition. This is all my fault.

"Styles? Is there anyone here for Styles?" The boys and I look up immediately. I am the first to jump up and say "Where is he? Is he okay? What is going on?" The doctor smiles.

"He will be just fine, Mr. Tomlinson, relax. Mr. Styles will be kept over night, just to be sure that he has all of the drugs out of his system, and that he will be okay. We have stitched the cuts up on his arms, but we do reccomend that you get him a councilor or send him to a group home. For Mr. Styles to get better, You must get him to talk to one of you. Someone he will trust. Apart from all of that, he will need to take these pills two times a day for one week, just to ensure that he is healing properly"

We all nod, and she hands us the pills. "Also, these are anti-depressants, and he should take these once a day, until they run out, then you should refill it until he starts to feel better. Any questions?" The doctor says. "Nope. Thank you so much!" Liam says.

"Alright. Well, you should be able to see him when he wakes up, which should be soon. I'll let you know." She says and then she walks off. We all go back to our previous postions of sitting down. I put my elbows on my knees and hands on my eyes and just think. 

This really is all my fault. I did this to him. I made him want to kill himself. I shouldn't have done that. I can't do this anymore. This would be better without me. Harry would be happy if I left. The boys all hate me, they probably know I pushed him into this. 

I Didnt even realize I was crying.

I can't do this anymore.

Aparently I said that out loud because Zayn says "Can't do what anymore, Louis?" He looks concerned. "Oh, nothing. I need to go, I'm sorry" I say as I run out the door to the bus. I walk inside and go to the bunkers and look for a sharp object. I can't find one. Wait! there is one still in the bathroom from when Harry tried to...I think as I run to the bathroom. I shut and lock the door, And then I look down. It's perfectly clean, no trace of Harry's blood anywhere. Someone must've cleaned up. Probably Paul.

Shit, it's gone! Go look in the trash you dumbarse. Wow. I'm starting to talk to myself in my mind. That cannot be normal. I look in the trash can and see the blade that Harry used, and i wash it off. I've never cut myself before...I don't know if it will work.

It does. I drag the blade across my wrist, and hiss in pain. But the pain feels good. I feel like weight was lifted off my shoulders. I slit my wrists six more times. I know what i'm doing. I know the risks i'm taking. Fans could find out, the lads, anyone. But I don't care. Maybe if i hurt myself, I can feel the pain that Harry was in. I deserve this. It is my fault after all. The blood is dripping down onto the floor.

I slit my wrist three more times, a total of 10 cuts on my left arm, before I hear someone calling my name. It's Zayn. "Louis? You okay mate? You've been in here for half and hour, and Harry is awake" He says when he knocks on the door. "Yeah, I'll be out in a minute!" I say, voice shaky. I clean up my arms and the floor.

I hear foot steps leaving, and a door shut. I unlock the door and walk into the bunker room, grabbing a hoodie, that just so happeneds to be Harry's. It smells like him. I walk outside and go into the hospital to see Zayn standing there waiting for me, and without a word he starts walking to Harry's room.

We walk in and my breath hitches at the sight. Harry is as pale as a ghost and he looks dead and weak. He looks my way with his eyes that were once a beautiful green, but are now lifeless. "Hey Louis" He whispers. "Boys can I talk to Louis alone please?" Harry asks, the boys nod and walk out. Tears start to stream down my face before I can stop them. "How can you even be talking to me right now? I did this to you! I made you feel like this! This is my fault Harry! It's my fault you tried to kill yourself!" I say, knees giving out and i start sobbing on the floor.

"Louis, it isn't your fault. Please come here" He says, and I get up and walk over to him. "Show my your arm" What? NO! "Why?" I show him my right arm, hoping he doesn't figure it out. "Louis. Your left arm. I see the blood" No no no no! "It's nothing, I just scratched it when I was coming up here" I say, not looking him in the eyes. "Then let me see!" He says. "No" I say but he isn't having it. He grabs my arm and lifts my sleeve up. I hear his breath hitch. I hurry and yank my sleeve down and jump up.

"Louis...Why? Why did you do that...After what I did?" He says after a moment of silence. "Because I fucking deserve it! I did this to you Harry! I made you want to kill yourself! I need to feel the pain your in. This is my punishment for hurting you Harry" I whisper the last sentence. "Louis, you can't do this anymore. Never again. Please. For me" He whispers. "I can't promise you that. God, I'm such an idiot!" I say frustrated. after five minutes of sitting in silence, I say "Harry...Do you hate me?" His eyes widen and he replies "No! Louis, I could never hate you! No matter what" he says "Your the one who hates me..." He mumbles out.

"God, Harry! I don't hate you! I fucking love you! I love you alright! Not how your thinking, like brotherly love, I really love you Harry. I'm in love with you. And i know by hurting you was a pretty shitty way of showing it, but I didn't know what else to do! And I know that you hate me, and want nothing to do with me and you don't love me or care, so its okay. I'll just leave" I walk out but i hear Harry calling my name but I don't listen. I walk past the boys, face emotionless. I just want today to be over, I think as i walk into the bus. I go into the bunker room and lay down in Harry's bed.

His pillow smells like him. My eyes begin to feel heavy, and before i know it,

I'm asleep.

A/N: Words: 1230. Guys, I'm so sorry for not updating saturday or sunday, I was visiting with family on saturday morning and afternoon, and then I had to go to the hospital. And sunday I really don't have an excuse, I was tired. So yeah. I love you guys and thank you so much for reading! (: sorry for the last shitty chapter and this shitty chapter btw. i'll probably update tomorrow, and i'll try and make it long.

Thoughs on Harry?

Thoughts on Louis?

Thoughts on anything else?


	5. chapter 5

A/N: I've been sitting on the coach since I woke up just writing this. hopefully you like it <3)

//Harry's POV//

 

Louis Fucking Tomlinson just said he was in love with me. I need out of here. I need to see him. I have to tell him I love him too!

I think as Louis runs out. I call for him but he doesn't reply. I feel so tired.

So I lay down. And then i fall into a restless sleep.

//Time skip to when Harry gets out of hospital//

We're walking to the bus and I can't help but ask the boys where Louis is, because he didn't come back last night or today. "Oh, I think he's in the bus asleep...He was asleep in your bunker..." Liam replies. What? He was asleep in my bunker? Should I...? "Um...Okay..." I mumble after a moment of silence.

Niall and Zayn walk in first, and then Liam and I walk in. I say to the boys "Can you guys not go back there for awhile? I need to talk to Louis...Alone..." I say quietly. "Sure mate. We won't bother you!" Niall says. I mumble a quick thanks.

I walk down the hall, to where the bunkers are and i walk in. Like Liam said, Louis is asleep in my bunker. I think about it for a moment, and then I walk over, take my shirt and pantsoff so that i'm in my boxers like Louis, and lay down with him. I try not to wake him, but it doesn't work. "Mmm Harry..." He says in a tired voice. God his morning voice... "Yeah Lou?" I say as I wrap my arms around him. "Go back to sleep baby" I whisper in his ear. He shivers. I think he came to realize that this wasn't a dream, because he turns extremely fast and looks and me, then he pushes me off the bed.

"What the hell are you doing sleeping with me you faggot?!" Louis says angry. "The fuck Louis?! Your the one in my bed! And you fuckng said you loved me last night! Why the fuck are you acting like this again?" I ask even more angry than Louis. " Oh...Right...Sorry." He answers, not looking me in the eyes. he gets up and starts to walk over to his bunker but I grab his hand and pull him to me. "I love you too, Lou" I whisper in his ear, and without another word, I lay down in my bed and fall asleep.

//Louis POV//

//Time skip to when Harry wakes up//

Before Harry woke up, I just sat there in my bed stunned. Harry loved me to? This has to be a dream...Did I even tell Harry that i loved him? I pinch my arm to see if i would wake up. I didn't.

Harry woke up about 5 minutes ago. he is still laying in his bed though. I'm staring emotionlessly at the wall. I feel weird. Like I fell into a black hole or something. All the thoughts consume me. I wonder if this is how Harry felt? This overwhelming darkness. You don't feel anything. You just feel numbness in your brain. actually, everywhere. You feel like you can't even move.

""LOUIS?! EARTH TO LOUIS!" Harry yells, waving a hand in my face. I look up and say in a monotone voice "What do you want Harry" He looks at me funny. "Louis...I asked if you wanted some lunch...I'm hungry so I was going to go make something" He says. "A fat ass like you doesn't need food. You should starve yourself. Maybe you'll be less fat" I say, still in a monotone voice, without really looking at him. Harry looks down, and I know he has tears building up in his eyes. "Okay..."

//Harry's POV//

Fine. If he thinks I'm fat, then i probably am. So i'll try to be perfect for him. I will be perfect for him. I will from now on only eat one meal a day. If that. Louis did say I should starve myself so...I should. I don't deserve food anyways. I think as I walk into the kitchen, sitting next to Niall.

"Harryyyyy mate, how are you? Wait... Have you been crying?! Harry whats wrong?" Shit, I was crying?! "No man, I just woke up and i was rubbing my eyes. And i'm okay. My arms hurt like hell, and my insides feel like their liquids, but other than that i'm just great." I answer. "Good. Want something to eat? We brought home mcdonalds! By the way, we're leaving in an hour to go to the UK, Managment gave us a week break"

He replies. "Okay, and no i'm not very hungry" Good. Thats a good start. Always refuse any food offered to you. especially fast food. I walk into the the TV room and sit down, just as Louis is walking in. He looks my way and says "Thought you were going to eat something?" I shake my head. "Wasn't up to it" I say, not looking him in the eyes. I can't lie to him. "We're leaving in an hour to go to the airport to get to the UK, so pack up" i say. Louis just stands there for a few seconds and then he sits down next to me. He turns to look me in the eyes and i notice how close we are. He looks and my lips and I look at his. He leans in, and then before i know whats happening, we're kissing. 

Louis slowly moves into a more comfortable position, which just so happens to be my lap. My hand trails up to his cheek and i brush my thumb over his jaw. he licks my bottom lip, asking for entrance, and i grant him it. we're full on making out now, and it feels amazing. He tastes like mint and strawberries. I hear him moan a little which makes me moan. "Ew! You gross faggot! Why the hell did you just kiss me?!" He says, as he jumps up. but i know he doesn't mean it, because he has a boner.

"Louis, you have a boner, and if you didn't notice, you were the one who started it. and to be honest...I liked it..." i say confidently. "Of course you did! Your a faggot! you like dicks being shoved up your ass! I dont! now get the fuck out of my sight!"

And of course, I listen to him.

I walk into the bathroom and shut the door and lock it. I turn the water on and jump in. I sit there and think about life, and then I remember what happened last time so i stop thinking, and start washing my hair and body. I look around for a razor, because i need to shave, and i don't see any. Thats weird, the boys always leave their razors in here. mines gone too. EW! who the fuck took my razor?!

"WHO THE HELL TOOK MY RAZOR? I NEED TO FUCKING SHAVE!" i yell out to anyone who is listening. "Harry...We had to take them out. The doctor told us to. You can't have a razor unless there is someone watching you, making sure you don't...you know." Zayn says. "Well I need a fuckin shave" I hear talking outside the door, it sounds like Louis and Zayn. I hear the door open. It's Louis. "Here Harry. Shave. But i have to stay in here. and he doctor also said we have to do daily body checks, just to make sure you haven't hurt yourself again." I give a heavy sigh. "I'm not the only one who should be checked, now am I Louis?" he looks down.

After Louis hands me my razor I begin shaving. I can't help but think that i could break this razor open without him even finding out...NO. I will not. Not while he is in here. "Harry, are you done yet?" "Almost." 

I hand him the razor, and I'm pretty sure he put his hand on mine to grab the razor on purpose. When i feel his skin on mine, I feel tingles run up my hand and arm. My god, i'm such and idiot.

I turn the water off and get out of the shower, completely naked with Louis sitting on the counter. He just eyes me up and down, and i see he has a boner.Again. he keeps staring so i say "Like what you see?" 

And he looks back up at my eyes. "Of course not, asshole" He says as he stands up and starts to leave. But I don't let him. I grab him by his shoulder and i push him against the wall. i palm him through his jeans and he moans. "Do you like that Lou?" "Mmm yes Harry. Harryyy" He moans. I feel myself getting hard also. "Harry. Harry touch me. Please." I love how he gets all needy and desperate. "You want me to touch you? Or are you just going to push me away again?" "No no no. please Harry. Please"

I pull down his pants and boxers, and i grasp him in my hand."Fuck, Harold!" he moans really loud as I begin to stroke him. "Shhh baby be quiet. We don't want the boys to come in here do we." I say. I stroke him until he is about to come, and then i stop touching him. "Just admit that you like guys Louis. Because straight guys down get hard from seeing their best mate naked" I say. "Im not fucking straight Harry. Please. Please touch me. make me come." he moans out. I nod and i then get on my knees and then i suck him off. he comes hard in my mouth and i swallow all of it.

"We can't do this again Harry. I have a girlfriend, and i don't like you. I'm bisexual not gay." Lie. "But i will give you something in return for doing this for me" He says, as he lowers his head and begins to suck me off. I come a few minutes later and then we make out for what seems like forever, but was probably a minute.

We seriously just did that. wow. "Nevermind. maybe we can do that more often. But it doesn't mean anything. and if you DO want to keep doing that, you need to stop being a fat fuck. God, lose some weight!" he says. "Anything for you Louis"

"Harry, Louis, are you okay?! We thought we heard something and it sounded like one of you was hurt" Liam asks, opening the door.

SHIT!

A/N: Well...That didn't exactly go as planned... but oh well. words: 1790. Hope you liked it!

Thoughts on Harry giving Louis a blowjob?

Thoughts on Louis not wanting to admit he loves/likes Harry?

Thoughs on this story so far?


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: I think i'm going to start doing these first instead. anyways, i had an amazing idea for this story so i'm updating. i know i was supposed to update like a long time ago like last week but i was putting it off and i had writers block anyways so. . . yeah. . . hope you like this update! and btw i'm thinking this fanfic is going to be like 10 chapters and then an epilogue maybe? Idk i just really feel like no one is reading and i shouldnt continue... okay bye. //Harry's POV// Well. . . i'm just going to skip to it. Liam found Louis and I on the floor, naked, and he just looked at us and frowned then walked out. He didn't even tell the boys. Louis is of course, back to being rude. of course. We're back in the living room, all of us watching TV and Zayn says "Lads, we probably need to go get food for the road. Anyone coming to get some with me?" Zayn says, getting up. Niall chuckles and says, "Get some? Really Zayn?" "Niall, don't make it something it's not. please" Zayn says. "Anyways, Liam? Louis? Harry? anyone wanna go?" They all say yes except me. "No, I think I'll stay. I just. . . don't feel like going out right now. sorry" But really, I have no reason to get food. I won't eat it. "Sure Harry? want us to get you anything?" Niall asks. "No, thanks. I'll just eat whatever you guys get." And with that, the boys leave // I walk into the bunker room, grabbing a guitar. I've been working on a song so i grab my journal type thing and then walk into the living room. I sit down on the coach, not hearing anyone come inside the bus. I then start to sing the song I wrote a while ago. I got a heart and I got a soul Believe me I will use them both We made a start Be it a false one, I know Baby, I don’t want to feel alone So kiss me where I lay down, my hands press to your cheeks A long way from the playground I have loved you since we were 18 Long before we both thought the same thing To be loved, to be in love All I can do is say that these arms were made for holding you I wanna love like you made me feel When we were 18 We took a chance God knows we tried Yet all along, I knew we’d be fine So pour me a drink Oh love, let’s split the night wide open and we’ll see everything We can live in love in slow motion, motion, motion So kiss me where I lay down, my hands press to your cheeks A long way from the playground I have loved you since we were 18 Long before we both thought the same thing To be loved and to be in love And all I can do is say that these arms are made for holding you, ooh And I wanna love like you made me feel When we were 18 When we were 18 Oh lord, when we were 18 Kiss me where I lay down, my hands press to your cheeks A long way from the playground I have loved you since we were 18 Long before we both thought the same thing To be loved and to be in love And all I can do is say that these arms were made for holding you I want a love like you made me feel When we were 18 I want a love like you made me feel When we were 18 I want a love like you made me feel When we were 18 The song is about how I've loved Louis since I was 18. well, i've loved him since i was 16, but i didn't know it then. "Wow Harry. . . That was really good!" Louis says, making me jump. "What the hell are you doing here?! I thought you went with the boys!" fuckkkkkkk "I decided to come back to make sure you don't. . . you know again. . ." Awkward silence. "Well, I'm not so go away Louis" "No. Harry. . . I wanted to apologize for how I've been acting. . .I don't hate you. actually the complete opposite really. I'm really sorry. I should have never treated you that way. You aren't fat or ugly or worthless or anything i've said. Harry I. . .-" "Stop Louis! Don't even try and apologize! You've done it before, and you just went back to being rude. Please don't get my hopes up." I interrupt. "Please Harry, I'm sorry! And i'll prove it to you." He pauses for a minute. "Harry. . . Can I kiss you?" He says slowly, not making eye contact. i nod. He leans in. I feel his breath on my lips and I feel my cheeks flush. He presses his lips to mine. I freeze up, because this is the first time hes actually kissed me and it meant something. at least i think it means something to him, because it means something to me. I kiss him back after a moment, and then he pulls back. "Harry. . . we can't. . . I'm sorry." He says, tears in his eyes as he runs to the bathroom. What the hell? He always fucking leads me on! //Louis' POV// I don't know why I ran away from Harry. I didn't want to, it just kinda happened. All I can think about is that this is wrong. So wrong. I shouldn't have kissed him. He'll kill me. . . Oh my god I should not have done that. I feel coldness come over me. A darkness. Great, it's getting bad again, I can tell. You see, I have a bad past. I used to get bullied when I was younger, and abused. I really shouldn't tell you this. . . Oh well no one will fine out right? My dad used to abuse me. Like bad. He broke 7 of my bones before. I went to the doctor and they asked what happened and I lied through my teeth. I said I was on my bike and I ran into a brick wall. They believed it. I always hid it well. I mean it went on for 8 years, i guess i would have to be good at it you know? I also used to cut. All the fucking time. Not on my wrists because them someone would see, no, I always did it on my thighs, stomach, hips, or chest. I used to have cuts everywhere. I stopped for awhile. Maybe a year. The boys never found out. And if they did, they just didn't care. I don't believe that my dad hates me, I just think I'm his punching bag. His stress reliever. Every time we all go back home for a few months after the tour ends, and the small breaks in the tour, My dad beats me. I have to hide them from the boys every time. Sometimes I wish the boys knew. But they can't because they would get my dad to go to jail, And I don't really want that, no matter what he did to me. I havn't been to the doctor to refill my prescription in forever so I should probably do that. Maybe that's why I've been so rude to Harry. I'm such a fuck up. I have about 3 prescriptions for my problems. When we get back home, I'm going to refill them. I have to. But I don't want to get better. I just want to die. I fucking know people have it worse so don't say that. My dad also raped me. Yeah I know I should really tell someone. But I can't. Not even Harry. He's also fucked up too so he couln't help. Wow i'm such fucking bitch! //still Louis' pov// I have said all my goodbyes to the boys, and I am on my way to my house, also known as hell. I still haven't moved out of my parents house yet. Well, I did, And I moved into a flat with Harry, but moved out around last year. Now I'm back at my parents house. My mom doesn't know anything going on between my dad and I. And it will continue to be that way. No one can know. I decide to stop by the pharmacy on my way home, and I ask the pharmacist for my prescriptions. She knows me personally, so she doesn't tell anyone. "Here's the Prozac, and Zoloft. The Lithium should be ready in around 10 minutes." Maria says and smiles. I thank her and walk off to get some groceries. I grab bandages and antibiotic because. . .Well I'll probably need them if I'm going back to my parents house. Thinking of my sisters, I grab Lottie and Fizzy some nail polish and makeup, Daisy and Phoebe both a stuffed animal, and I also got Doris and Ernest stuffed animals. I walk back to the pharmacy and Maria hands me the Lithium. I pay for all my shit and leave. //home// "LOUIS!!!" Lottie, Fizzy, Daisy, and Phoebe all scream. I hug them all. "How are you guys? I've missed you all so much!" they all say they are good. "Okay, I'm going up to my room to put some things away, okay?" they all nod, and I walk off to my bedroom. Apparently, my mum and dad aren't home. Thank God for that. I put all my stuff away and walk downstairs to visit with my sisters. I notice someone on the coach, and realize it's my father. he smirks and says "Hello faggot. Come here. I've missed beating your ass!" He says. I know not to say no and to just do what he says or the beating will be worse, so I just walk over to him. Without a warning or anything he slams me against the wall and beats the shit out of my stomach and ribs. He punches and hits until i'm bleeding and crying. "Please. Please stop. Stop." I say, sobbing. This is the worst hes ever done it. "Can't take it? Well then I hope this hurts!" He says as he stomps on my wrist. I hear a snapping noise and shriek in pain. With that, he spits in my face and walks off. I'm in so much pain. I drag myself to my room, and crawl into my bed. I feel blood dripping down my arm, but I don't care. All I can do is focus on the pain. And then I black out. A/N: Well I guess that was okay. words: 1810. Hope you guys like it. Another update should come soon.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Long time no see, eh? ;) Dedicated to @larrywanker because she commented and made me happy .

//Harry's POV//

I couldn't help but see the worry in Louis' eyes. He looked very frightened. I guess maybe because of what happened earlier maybe.

I say my goodbye's to the boys, except Liam, who I was staying with because my mum was on a business trip, and I can't be home alone because they're all worried I'll attempt again. On the way to Liam's, I get on twitter. I see mentions of the 'Always In My Heart' tweet to 1 million, and I can't help but chuckle humorously.

But one tweet catches my eye.

-Ihateharrystyles198: I HATE HARRY HE IS SO FAT AND DOESNT DESERVE TO BE IN 1D! PETITION FOR HIM TO BE KICKED OUT OFTHE BAND? NO ONE LIKES HIM ANYWAYS! MAYBE IF HE LOST SOME WEIGHT WE'D ACTUALLY LIKE HIM.

106 retweets, 133 favorites. 

Am I really that un-important? And fat? I guess I'll just loose weight. starting now. We have a month break, so hopefully I can loose atleast 15 pounds by then.

"Harry do you want to stop and get some food? there isn't any at my flat." 

"Erm...Okay"

"What do you want ?" He asks.

"Erm, maybe just a salad?" I say, not really caring because I wont eat it.

Liam nods.

I resume twitter. I look up the tag #anorexic and find millions of tiny girls, and I can't help but think maybe if I was that skinny, Louis wouldn't leave me. By the time Everyone gets back together after our month break, I'll hopefully be a skinny little bastard.

//huge time skip to after break//

148\. 148 pounds. I didn't even fucking loose 15 pounds! I'm such a fucking fat ass. I'll just fast this week. 

We're about to meet up with the boys the airport. Not excited.

We drive up and get out, and we wait outside for the other lads. Around 5 minutes later Louis gets out, and I must say, he looks like shit. 

"Woah, man! What the hell happened to you?!" Liam asks. "Oh I just didn't sleep well last night, is all." He says, not looking anyone in the eyes. He looks at me and his eyes widen as he looks me up and down.

I can't help but hug myself, trying to cover my body. Did I really get that fat over the break? Just more of a reason fast all week.

//Louis POV//

I look over at Harry, and damn he's lost some weight! Not that much, he doesnt look deadly skinny, but he probably lost around 20 pounds. 

He looks back at me and quckly covers his body and looks upset. 

Before I can ask him anything, Zayn and Niall get here, so we get on the plane. 

//Harry's POV//

I get my own side, because Niall Liam and Zayn all wanted to have seats together, and Louis just sat infront of them. I get on my phone and type in my code: 2202. I'm about to click the instagram app, but I get a text. Louis.

From: Louis

To: Harry

You okay ? 

I roll my eyes.

To: Louis

From: Harry

Aren't I always? Are you? You look like shit.

From: Louis

To: Harry

Yeah, just didn't get much sleep last night.

To: Louis

From: Harry

Why don't you go to sleep then?

From: Louis

To: Harry

C'mere and I will. I want to snuggle you.

My cheeks heat up, but I walk over to Louis. He smiles at me as I sit down. He leans his head on my shoulder, and falls asleep. This feels like old times.

//time skip to night time//

We arrived a while ago, and we all decided to go to a bar. I ordered a few drinks, and then told the boys I was going for a walk.

I exit the bar, and walk past some stores. It's very dark outside. I see a big man walking across the street, over to me. The man drags me into a alley, and into a car. I kick and scream, but he doesn't let go. He yanks my clothes off and his own, and slides his cock into me. I shriek in pain, crying. I beg for help, telling him to stop. He picks up the pace, and comes inside me.

I continue to cry, as he throws me out of the car and drives off. I curl into a ball and sob. A good 20 minutes later, I get up on shaky legs, bum hurting, and walk to the hotel. I walk in, and go to my room. I walk in and emmediatly get in the shower. I scrub my skin raw, and continue to sit there until the water runs cold. I shut the water off, and I sit down in the tub, curling into a ball. I hear a door open and my eyes widen in fear and I whimper. "Harry? you in here?" Louis voice calls.

"I-i-in h-here-er." I stutter out. He runs in and his eyes widen. I have bruises all over my body, and I'm bleeding. "Harry what the hell happened?!" He asks, and runs over to me, covering me in a towel. "H-h-hold me Louis, please." I sob out. He carries me into the room, and to the bed. He puts a t-shirt and boxers on me, and lays me in bed. he soon lays with me, and holds me close. "Harry what happened?" He says softly. "N-n-nothing. its nothing-g" I say, still shaking in fear.

"Calm down, Love. Go to sleep." He says, as he tugs me closer, kissing my forehead.

I calm down a bit, but I know I won't be able to fall asleep. Not with what just happened. I grip Louis shirt tightly, and inhale his scent, which calms me down somewhat.

I soon drift off into a restless, scary sleep.

A/N: so I bet you didn't expect that did you? And btw this story is almost over. like maybe 2 more chapters maybe 3. And just saying, this isn't going to end happy. I know i know I suck. But life isn't perfect y'know? you can't save everyone. anyways I better go before I spoil it all for you guys. oh and there will probably be time skips like big time in the remaining chapters.


	8. Chapter 8

//Time skip 1 month later Harry's POV//

I weigh 126 pounds now. I'm still not skinny enought. People still call me fat. I only lost 22 pounds because I did not eat for a month. I am pretty sure I only had 3 meals in 1 month. The boys don't seem to notice.

It's been a month since that night. Since I was raped. Everything just spiraled down since then. Louis has been nice to me, but he has kept his distance, I don't think he told the other boys, but they've kept there distance too.

I got a DM on twitter a day after it happened, it was the guy that did it. He said he had a nice time fucking a pop star. He later deleted his account.

After I got that tweet, I relapsed in self harm. When Louis found me in the bathroom staring at my deeply cut arm, blood flowing out of it, he told me his father used to beat him, and that he self harmed too. He told me his father is the reason he is so mean to me. He tells me that he has Depression, and Multiple Personality Disorder. In some ways he's more fucked up than me.

We've had a few concerts this month. And I think the fans are starting to notice I haven't talked as much. They may have noticed I lost a bit of weight too, but I'm still fat, so I cover myself with baggy clothes.

We have a concert tonight. We have 3 more concerts left, not counting this one.

Just one more month until the end...

*BING BING*

My phone sounds from across the room. It's Liam.

From: Liam

To: Harry

Hey mate, we have a concert tonight in case you've forgotten. Meet us downstairs for breakfast in two mins, yeah?

To: Liam

From: Harry

Okay.

That's all I ever reply to people these days. I say okay. Or I just don't say anything, which no one seems to notice either way. I 'm not the happy, talkative person I used to be. I put on a jacket to hide recent self harm cuts, a baggy t-shirt and some joggers, and walk downstairs.

I walk into the dining room, where all the other lads are sitting, and take a seat. "Hey mate whats happening?" Niall says with a grin, I just shrug, dismissing him. "I made you some pancakes, Haz" Louis says quietly, not looking me in the eyes. I take the plate and take a small bite, chew, and act like i'm taking a drink but really I just spit it into my cup.

I continue this for about a fourth of the pancake, before I get up and get an apple. "Why didn't you finish your pancakes, H?" Liam asks, concerned. I shrug. "Not very hungry." Zayn rolls his eyes and I look down and cower into myself.

I don't really eat these days, and whenever I do, It's usually a fruit or vegetable. Nothing more. "Harry, Can I speak to you please?" Louis asks harshly. I shrug. We walk over to a corner. "What the hell Harry? Eat something! You're going to fucking die if you don't eat something other than an apple!" he whisper yells. "I did eat something. I ate some pancakes, now if you could kindly get off my ass about it!" I whisper yell back.

I walk back over to the table and sit down, continuing to eat my apple. I finish, and throw all my uneaten food and drink away. "M' going back to my room" I say quietly. They all nod.

It upsets me how careless they are. They don't notice one of there best mates is slipping away so easily. They don't know that I still self harm or that I might kill myself anytime now! And when I do kill myself, which I know I will, I am determined to be successful this time.

I will not fail.

//time skip to concert//

Our opening act just got of stage and we're about to go on. Lou is doing last minute changes to my hair and makeup. Everything is a bit hectic.

The opening video starts to play, and then we walk out. Screams erupt, and I see all the boys smiling, but I just stand there. I see fans crying, and some of them look at me in disgust. I look at the crowd, and spot a man. The same man that did it to me. I look at him in horror and he smirks. I run over to Louis and say "I can't I can't no no no no. He's here Louis please!" He looks at me weirdly. "Whats wrong H? What happened?" Louis says. "Nothing, Never m-mind I'm f-f-fine." I say.

But i'm not.

I start singing Midnight Memories with a shaky voice, and I go to the opposite side of the stage that he's at. The whole rest of the concert I can't stop thinking about it. The concert is finally over, and I run of stage.

I run to the dressing room and sit on the coach, and I start hyperventilating and having an anxiety attack. All I can't think is Hes here and hes going to do it again. I claw at my face and pull my hair.

Hes going to do it again. He is going to do it again. Hes going to do it again.

I whimper, as someone touches my arm. "Harry whats wrong? What happened?" "

"Louis Louis Louis."

"Harry it's okay!" He says, as he holds me close. 

I calm down and just sit there, more depressed than usual. I just stare at the ground.

"What happened? Is he okay?" Zayn asks.

"He's fine, I think he just had an anxiety attack. He always used to get like that remember?" The boys nod. But little did they know it wasn't just that.

We walk out of the stadium, and into our van, and we drive to our hotel. Louis holds me the whole time.

We arrive at the hotel, and we walk in, going to our rooms. "Louis, will you stay with me?" I say quietly. he nods.

We walk into my room and lay in my bed. He pulls me close, and squeezes me. "I love you Harry. And I know I don't say It very often, but I really do." He whispers. "I love you too, Lou." 

"Can I ask you something?" Louis says, making my heart stop a minute, because this can't be good.

"Have you been starving yourself?" And my breath hitches, because well he actually noticed. 

I shake my head. "No." He nods. He then rubs his hand over my stomach. I flinch. "Yes you have, Harry. I can feel your ribs, and you always refuse food. Baby, you have to stop. Your slowly dying. And I love you to much for that to happen." He says, making me scoot over.

"I haven't starved myself Louis, Only girls do that. I'm not some anorexic freak okay? I just needed to loose a few pounds, so people will like me more and stop calling me a fat ass." I blurt out without really realizing what I said.

Louis' eyes widen. "Angel, you are not fat! You're a fucking twig! And who cares what anyone thinks? They're all just bitches if they say you're fat, cause you aren't."

"Yes I am. And I have to be perfect for you, Lou." I whisper, scooting over more, and finally getting up so I'm not facing him. 

"Harry. You. Are. Perfect. You're the most beautiful person I know. Remember that fan that had cuts all up and down her wrists? You kissed every single one. Remember the girl that fell down and you helped her up? Harry you are such a good person! And it pains me that you don't realize that. You're so beautiful Harry, and I would break if you left me. I wouldn't be able to live." He says.

I taste salt in my mouth before I even realize I'm crying. "Look at me Angel." He says, so I turn back around and lay down snuggled up next to him, looking him in the eyes. "I love you." He whispers.

"I love you too." I whisper. He leans in slowly and presses a long kiss to my lips. A while later I say "Louis?" 

"Yes love?"

"I was raped that night."

And he freezes.

"What?" he says weakly.

"I was raped."

and then he pushes me off of him.

A/N: So this chapter kinda wrote itself didn't it? AND IM SORRY FOR THE CLIFFHANGERISH TYPE THING! It's 2:30AM and I'm not really tired but I need to sleep so goodnight. I hope you like this shitty chapter. 1 or 2 more chapters left! again, big time skips.


	9. Chapter 9

"You were what?!" Louis yells, and I flinch. I nod and look down, disgusted with myself. Tears well up in my eyes quickly. "Why the fuck didn't you tell anyone Harry?! We could've helped you!" He yells again. "I'm too far gone for someone to help me Lou. I'm hopeless." I say quietly.

"Babe, You aren't hopeless! Please let me help you. And if not me, then someone else?" He asks. I shake my head. "I can't Lou. No one can know how disgusting I am. Please get out. I need to be alone."

"Harry we need to to talk about this! We need to get you help before something bad happ-"

"No, Louis! Something bad already happened! You can't fix me! No one can! Now get the fuck out of my room please!" I yell, not really wanting him too. He shakes his head, exasperated, and walks out. I lay down and scream into my pillow. I finally got him and I ruined it. Like always. Why do I fuck up so much? Why am I like this? Why can't I get better?

//major time skip again 1 month//

//Thirdperson//

Everything got worse for Harry since then. He rarely ever eats now. Louis told the other boys what was wrong with Harry. He told them that he was raped and that he was anorexic. He told all of Harry's secrets. All the boys began to avoid Harry. Even Louis. They figured maybe thats what he needed to get better. But they were wrong. That's all Harry wanted, was for someone to talk to him. To love him.

But it never happened. The boys went on break from tour and Harry thought it would be the best time to go. To leave. he didn't want to be here anymore.

That night Harry weighed in at 114. He hadn't even lost 10 pounds in a month. That week was the worst for him. He cried himself to sleep every night and wouldn't answer any phone calls to anyone, including his mum and Louis. He pretty much disappeared for a week.

Everyone stopped trying to get ahold of him, after many failed attempts at calling and knocking on doors. Harry just didn't want to see anyone. Ever.

On the night of October 12th 2015, (a/n: oh god I probably fucked the years up but oh well) Harry Edward Styles committed suicide. He left 4 notes. One too Niall, Liam, and Zayn, one too his mother and Gemma, one too the fans, and lastly, one too Louis.

Harry wasn't thinking about how much it could effect the fans or his friends and family. He just didn't. He just wanted to die.

Harry couldn't deal with the fact that he had an eating disorder and that he had been raped. It was all too much for the 21 year old.

No one found his body until the morning of October 14th.

The boys had decided they should go check on him and bring him too lunch. Little did they know he was already gone.

Louis walked in first and was terrified because the house was so very silent. He ran upstairs and screamed at what he saw. Harry's lifeless and pale body lay on his bed, empty pill bottles next to him.

Louis screamed and screamed but he didn't wake up. He won't. He's dead. Louis wished he had been there for him, but he wasn't. He was too late.

And now he felt numb.

A/n: so it's been awhile eh? So this was the last chapter of Numb but there's still more to come! I'm going to be doing a chapter where it shows Harry's suicide note too Louis (the other ones are pointless but if you want me to post them I will) and stuff like that. I love all of you guys and thank you for sticking with me throughout this story even though most of you left lol. I'm starting a new Larry fic called bruise me on wattpad (my username is Larry__stfu) so maybe check that out? Okay this is getting too long. Bye ily guys so much!


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